#but i have no idea how ill come off or if itll make things worse . & again ive hardly spoken to this person

[murphysiblings]

god i dont know what to do

[differentpostrebel]

Lost and Found: A Pirate's Promise

Chapter 16: "The Climax of Chaos: Confronting Caesar Clown"

A/n: We are back with another Chapter!!! This was supposed to be posted last night, but I had a few guest come over. This chapter, we got Sanji POV, Y/N Pov, and Law POV! I cant wait for you guys to read this chapter! As always thank you so much! Thank you for the follows, the likes, reblogs, comments! I will always like the previous chapters as well, Ill create a masterlist soon so itll be more organized. But without further a do, let the adventure begin!.  

Word count: 4.3K

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16 (Here)

Sanji x Reader, One piece x Reader, Sanji x Y/N

Sanji POV…

"That creature… is that slime?" Brook asked, his eyes wide as he took in the sight before us.

"A what?" I replied, confused.

"Slime," Brook explained. "I thought it was just fantasy, but I guess not. I read a book about it too! The book was quite fascinating; this slime loved to attack beautiful women and had a knack for melting clothes. Oh, how naughty!" Brook blushed as he reminisced.

"Woah… that book sounds pretty messed up," I said, blushing as well. "By the way, can I borrow that book? I'd love to read it in full."

"Me too, can I borrow it?" the Samurai chimed in, looking intrigued.

"Yeah, Y/N is definitely going to hear about this," Zoro said with a smirk.

"Why, I wouldn't be surprised. She gives the other guys a shot too, you know," I replied, shaking my head with a grin.

"Hey, Moss-head, watch it," I snapped, feeling a pang of jealousy. "Don’t think you can just blurt things out like that. I don’t need you running your mouth to Y/N."

"Relax, Curly-brows. I was just kidding," Zoro said with a smirk, clearly enjoying my reaction.

"Oh, really?" I shot back, narrowing my eyes. "Because it sounds like you’re threatening to spill everything."

"Well, if you keep being so obvious, I might just have to," Zoro taunted.

"Just try it," I said, crossing my arms. "You know what? I’m not even going to let you get under my skin. We have a slime monster to deal with."

"Fine," Zoro said, chuckling. "But remember, keep your jealousy in check. We’ve got bigger problems than your love life." 

But his words quickly shifted to something more serious as he analyzed the water ahead. "If that thing touches you, it’s going to do a lot worse than melt your clothes. The fish are dying back there; the thing’s made of poison, and it’s spreading too."

"Wait! But the Samurai's torso is in that lake?" Brook said, alarmed.

“Looks like it's up to retrieve it, " I said as I began to take off the coat. “I'm sorry Nami, I'll try to be quick, " I muttered still trapped in Nami’s body. 

"Surely not! You’re diving in? But Sanji…" Brook’s voice was tinged with concern, but I had already made up my mind.

"Look, I brought him with us, so I can’t let him die here," I said, determination taking over. "Handle the ones behind me, you two. I won’t be long."

"Huh? Behind me... AHHHHH!!" Brook screamed, suddenly realizing the danger approaching from behind.

With a deep breath, I dove right into the icy water, the cold instantly biting at my skin. But there was no time to waste. I had to find the Samurai’s torso before that poison spread any further. "I better make this quick," I muttered through chattering teeth. "It’s too cold to linger in here."

Laws POV… 

"Can't this idiot do anything right?" I muttered, my irritation growing as Chopper and I watched Luffy recklessly charge in, completely blowing our cover and revealing what we were planning with Caesar. "Can't he see that he's also putting Y/N in jeopardy?"

Chopper glanced at me, his usual cheerfulness tinged with concern. "You really like her, don't you, Law?" he asked, his tone more serious than usual.

With a low chuckle, I responded, "You have no idea." I focused back on the task at hand and teleported us into the lab. Monet was there, engrossed in her notes.

"Good, Monet’s alone," I whispered to Chopper. "You know the plan, right?"

"Yup," Chopper replied, determination in his eyes. "You distract Monet, and I'll go in to try and find anything that can help those kids."

I nodded, slipping Chopper into the bag I carried. As I approached, Monet noticed me, her eyes narrowing slightly but not yet alarmed.

"Sorry, the master's not here," she said, her voice smooth and almost too casual.

"Yeah, where'd he go?" I asked, feigning disinterest, though my mind was already racing.

"Probably outside to watch the fight. Cyborg Franky and that princess are out there as well. It’ll give him a chance to see their potential," she replied, her tone carrying a hint of amusement.

The mention of Y/N's title made my blood boil, but I suppressed the urge to lash out. Instead, I maintained my calm demeanor, walking toward a nearby sofa. Monet turned her back to me, still absorbed in whatever she was working on.

"That's alright," I said, my voice steady, though my hands itched to take action. "I think I'll be taking off soon. I've seen everything I need to."

Monet, trying to sound seductive, responded, "Shame, it'll be lonely without you." Her voice dropped to a purr. "I would have enjoyed you watching as I destroyed Y/N as well."

It took every ounce of self-control not to let my anger show. "I could use your help with something, though," I said, my tone carefully neutral. "Could I borrow you for a sec?"

Monet raised an eyebrow, a sly smile playing on her lips. "Why, are you asking me out on a date? Must be my lucky day," she chuckled, clearly not sensing the danger.

I forced a smirk, playing along. "Something like that."

As I walked out of the lab, I could hear her footsteps following me closely. I knew Chopper was already at work, and the sooner I could get Monet away from here, the better. 

Y/N POV….

“I got you now, Master!” Luffy declared, his grip firm and unwavering on Caesar Clown.

"Way to go, Luffy!" I cheered, a surge of pride swelling in my chest as I watched him effortlessly capture Caesar. The chaos around us only seemed to intensify with the sight.

“Strawhat caught the master!” one of Caesar’s underlings shouted in alarm.

“Crazy kid,” Smokey muttered, clearly impressed despite himself.

“So that’s Haki,” Franky commented, eyes wide. “Caesar’s got Logia powers, but Luffy can still grab him!”

“Drop him, Strawhat, or we will shoot!” another underling threatened, raising his weapon, and the others quickly followed suit.

Sensing the danger, I pressed the blue gem embedded in my sword hilt, activating my Ice Sword. A cold mist swirled around the blade, crystallizing in the air. "It's your time to shine," I muttered to myself, feeling the familiar chill course through my veins as the sword hummed with power.

With a swift movement, I dashed toward the underlings, my blade leaving a trail of frost in its wake. As I reached them, I swung the sword in a wide arc, releasing a burst of icy energy.

“Icebound Strike!” I called out, the name fitting perfectly for the freezing explosion that followed. The underlings were caught off guard as the cold wave hit them, their weapons and bodies encased in thick, glittering ice. Their shocked expressions were frozen in place as they were transformed into statues of pure ice.

“No way!” one of the remaining underlings gasped, stumbling backward as he watched his comrades turned to ice.

I smirked, raising the sword again. “Who’s next?” I challenged, feeling the rush of battle and the thrill of victory. 

“Luffy’s got this one!” Franky shouted. “Look, Caesar can’t use his powers!”

“Not exactly,” Robin interjected.

“What do you mean, Robin?” I asked, concern creeping into my voice.

“Although Luffy is using Armament Haki, it doesn’t weaken Logia powers like Seastone. We still don’t know the full extent of the Gas-Gas Fruit.”

Just then, Caesar enveloped Luffy in a gas robe, surrounding him in poisonous fumes.

“Luffy! Hold your breath!” Franky yelled.

“You can’t escape! Once the robe has you in its clutches, it’s over!” Caesar taunted.

“Luffy!” Robin and I shouted in unison. “Damn it!” Franky cursed. “Come on, Luffy!” I urged.

Then, to our shock, Luffy inhaled the poison and seemed unaffected.

“How did…?” I stammered, unable to believe my eyes.

“Neat! I guess poison doesn’t bother me anymore—probably because of Magellan,” Luffy said nonchalantly.

“My poison’s potency makes his look weak!” Caesar roared, unable to comprehend what was happening. Luffy responded with a powerful “Gomu Gomu no Stamp!” landing a clean hit on Caesar, sending him crashing into the snow.

“Master!!!” Caesar’s underlings screamed.

“Hell yeah!” Franky cheered. But Caesar wasn’t done yet. He called his underlings maggots and swore to put Luffy in his place. “Gaston Net!” Caesar shouted, stopping Luffy’s next attack with an explosion.

“What the—what is going on?!” I yelled, shielding myself from the debris. As the smoke cleared, Luffy was seen falling from the sky.

“Luffy!” I screamed, panic rising in my chest.

“I think we’ve had enough fun for the day! Move, Smileys!” Caesar commanded.

“What’s Smiley?” I asked, just as the slime began attaching itself to Luffy.

“Luffy, get out of there!” I yelled, but it was too late. Caesar launched another Gaston Net, and the slime exploded with Luffy trapped inside.

“No, Luffy!” Franky cried out. “This can’t be…” I whispered, feeling the dread settle in.

“He’s gone…” Robin said, her voice trembling.

The underlings cheered for Caesar, but suddenly, Luffy emerged from the smoke. “Wow, that was close,” he said, brushing off the attack.

“Luffy, you’re okay!” I exclaimed, relief flooding over me. Luffy managed to strike Caesar once more. “Okay, I got you for real this time. Robin, Y/N, is there anything we can put him in? He’s got Logia pow—”

But Luffy suddenly dropped Caesar, gasping for air.

“Luffy! What’s wrong?” Robin yelled, rushing to his side.

“Luffy, what happened?” I asked, panic creeping back.

Caesar grinned wickedly. “You shouldn’t underestimate me,” he sneered, knocking Luffy out cold.

“Crap, we need a new plan, guys!” I shouted, clenching my left hand to activate my powers. I sprinted towards Luffy. “I’ll do my best to distract him!” Franky called out. “Robin, try to grab Luffy!”

“Be careful, Franky! We don’t need you getting poisoned too,” I warned. Franky’s Radical Beam missed Caesar, but Robin managed to get to Luffy. However, she soon exhibited the same symptoms, fainting beside him.

“Robin, no!” I cried out. “What the hell is going on?!”

Tashigi was next to fall, followed by Franky as he tried to reach Robin.

“Franky!” I yelled. “Crap, what’s happening?” Smoker grunted, trying to land a hit on Caesar.

Clenching my right hand, I activated an electrical charge. “Don’t you dare!” I screamed, but Caesar grabbed my wrist, the charge still pulsing in my hand.

Smoker began to gasp for air until he too fainted, Caesar tossing him aside like the others. My body started to lose strength as I struggled against the effects.

“Shurorororo… If it isn’t Y/N,” Caesar mocked. “Looks like you’re no match for my power. But don’t worry, I have a special plan for you!”

His voice echoed as my vision blurred and darkness took over. The last thing I heard was Caesar’s order to chain us up, making sure those with powers got Seastone cuffs.

Laws POV.. 

Something's wrong… My heart—what's happening?

As I continued to walk down the halls of Caesar's lab with Monet, a sudden, intense pain gripped my chest. My heart felt like it was being crushed from the inside.

“Law? Something wrong?” Monet's voice echoed distantly, her tone tinged with curiosity. But I couldn't focus on her words; the pain was overwhelming, a sharp, relentless agony that brought me to my knees.

"Who's there?" I gasped, clutching my heart as I tried to pinpoint the source of this sudden attack. My vision blurred, and I could barely see through the haze of pain. My body convulsed, and I coughed up blood, the metallic taste filling my mouth.

Show yourself! Who are you?! I wanted to shout, but the words came out as a weak whisper. My strength was draining fast.

Then, I heard footsteps—slow, deliberate, and growing closer. My breath hitched as the familiar voice bellowed, “It’s me.”

My eyes widened in disbelief as the figure stepped into view. It was none other than Vergo.

“Why… are… you here?” I forced the words out, struggling to comprehend how he could be here, now of all times.

Monet’s giggle echoed through the corridor, her eyes gleaming with a mixture of amusement and malice. Still struggling to catch my breath, I glared at Vergo, trying to regain control over my body. The pain in my chest was unbearable, but I refused to let them see my fear.

“You think the boss doesn’t know what’s going on? We thought you were smarter than that!” Vergo sneered, his voice dripping with condescension. “We don’t even trust that Caesar guy, which is why we sent an undercover agent—the lovely Monet.”

Monet sauntered over to Vergo’s side, her expression smug. The two of them together made the air feel even colder, their presence suffocating.

“When did you get here?” I rasped, still struggling to push past the pain.

Vergo crossed his arms, his gaze never leaving mine. “I came to Punk Hazard for one reason—to keep an eye on you. The boss doesn’t take kindly to loose ends, and you, Law, are a potential problem.”

“Why target me? I didn’t do a damn thing to you,” I spat, forcing the words out through gritted teeth.

“No, not yet anyway. If you had, you’d be dead on the spot,” Vergo replied, his voice calm and controlled, as if he were discussing the weather.

My hand inched towards my blade, fingers trembling from the effort it took to move. Just as I was about to draw my weapon, Vergo’s grip on my heart tightened again, sending another wave of excruciating pain through my body.

“Ahhh!” I cried out, clutching my chest as the world around me spun. My vision blurred, and I could feel the strength draining from my limbs.

Vergo didn’t hesitate. With a swift motion, he struck me with his weapon, the impact sending a sharp shock through my body. I felt my consciousness slipping away, darkness creeping in at the edges of my vision.

Sanjis POV.. 

Damn it! It feels like I’ve been diving for hours, and still no sign of the Samurai’s torso. It’s freezing down here, and the slime’s poisonous venom is creeping closer. The cold is biting through Namis body, making it harder to move.

I decided now was the right time to use Observation Haki. Focus, Sanji. I need to find that damn torso. I scanned the murky water around me, but the darkness and the swirling slime made it nearly impossible to see. I could feel the venom closing in, wrapping around me like a tightening noose.

Just then, a shark streaked past, its jaws clamped around something. As it swam closer, I realized with a jolt that it had the Samurai’s torso in its mouth. “Damn it!” I muttered, swimming toward the beast. I grabbed hold of the shark’s fin and yanked it violently, trying to force it to let go. 

“Let go, you stupid shark!” I shouted, kicking it with all my strength. The shark thrashed, but I managed to wrestle the torso free from its jaws. Now, with the torso in hand, I had to get to shore before the venom consumed me.

The venom was spreading rapidly, turning the water into a toxic haze. I swam as fast as I could, feeling the icy tendrils of the poison closing in around me. Every stroke was a battle against the encroaching slime. I could barely see the shore through the thickening cloud of poison, but I pushed forward, driven by the urgency of the situation.

“Shit, it’s closing up!” I shouted to myself, realizing the poison was moving faster than I anticipated. My lungs burned from the effort, and my muscles screamed in protest, but I couldn’t afford to slow down. 

With one final burst of speed, I surged towards the shore, the icy water biting at my skin. I dragged the Samurai’s torso onto the lake and collapsed beside it, gasping for breath. My heart raced, not just from the exertion but from the relief of having made it in time. 

“Thanks to you, I’m a whole Samurai again!” Kinemon cried, his voice filled with gratitude as he stood before me, fully restored. My body was still shivering uncontrollably from the harsh weather.

“Please, can you help me out here?” I yelled, my teeth chattering. “Do your trick and make some clothes appear! I’m freezing out here!”

“Yes… sorry to keep you waiting,” Kinemon said, quickly conjuring up clothes that provided much-needed warmth. I sighed in relief as the chill began to recede.

“Please, will you tell me your name, good sir?” Kinemon asked, bowing slightly.

“Fine, my name is Sanji,” I said, trying to stay warm. “And cut the ‘sir’ crap! You kept hurling insults at me instead of being appreciative. Don’t you remember?”

Kinemon’s eyes welled up with tears as he began to cry and beg for forgiveness. “I’m sorry, please forgive me!” he cried, hitting his head in a show of desperation.

“Get up!” I said firmly, my voice softening despite my irritation. “No man should ever get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. Got that?”

“Much as I would hate to break this touching moment,” Brook interjected, “but we appear to be in mortal danger. We also need to get back to the crew, as we don’t even know if they are alright.”

My eyes widened at Brook’s words. “Y/N! She must be worried sick about me!” Panic surged through me as I looked around. The slime was beginning to surround us, its sinister, glistening forms closing in from all directions.

“We need to move, now!” I said, grabbing Kinemon by the arm. “We can’t afford to stay here any longer. The crew needs us, and we have to get out of this mess before it’s too late!”

Y/N Pov… 

Groaning, I tried to shift my body, but every muscle ached, making it hard to even move. The sound of rattling chains reached my ears, and I realized my arms and wrists were restrained. Opening my eyes slightly, I saw that I was trapped.

“What the—” I muttered, frustration bubbling up inside me. “Great, Y/N, chained twice in a day. You're getting sloppy.”

“Good morning, Princess,” a voice drawled from my right. I turned to see Law, also trapped in a cage.

“Law!” I exclaimed, relief flooding me. “How did you... wait, why am I not in a cage?” I noticed that although I was still chained, I was sitting uncomfortably on a sofa instead.

“Never mind that, Princess. How are you feeling? Did Caesar do something to you?” Law asked, concern lacing his tone.

“I don’t remember much. All I know is that we were battling Caesar, and then we woke up here,” I said, trying to piece together the events.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Luffy’s voice cut through the haze as he woke up.

“How about that? We’ve all been captured,” Robin said calmly, noting the situation. Franky was still out cold, snoring away.

“Huh, we’re all in a cage?” Luffy said, looking around in confusion.

“Well, you guys are. I’m outside, but pretty much bound by chains,” I replied, glancing to my left where Smoker was sitting on the couch next to me, and Tashigi was trapped in the cage with the others. “Smokey, I gotta say, being trapped with you again truly wasn’t on my list, but look, here we are,” I added, laughing lightly.

“Shut up, you idiot. This is no time for jokes,” Smoker snapped, his tone sharp.

“Hey, I’m just trying to lighten the mood,” I said, shrugging as much as my chains would allow.

Tashigi began to struggle in her chains. “We can’t do much; these are sea prism cuffs, after all,” Law pointed out.

“Great, looks like I gotta figure something out,” I muttered, my mind already racing for a plan.

“Haha, I see you’re awake,” a new voice called out, and a woman with wings and bird-like legs walked into the room. “I see the harlot is also awake.”

I turned to her, incredulous. “Excuse me, who are you calling a harlot?” I snapped.

“You, who else? Taking my Law away from me,” the woman sneered.

I glanced at Law, mouthing, What is she on?

“I was never yours, Monet. Let’s get that straight,” Law said coldly, his eyes narrowing at her.

Law’s words seemed to cut deep as Monet’s eyes flashed with anger, but there was something else beneath that fury—hurt, perhaps? Law, however, wasn’t done yet.

“Besides, my heart belongs to another,” he added with a smirk, not even bothering to look at Monet as he said it.

Monet’s gaze then shifted to me, her expression twisted with jealousy. I could feel the tension in the air, but instead of backing down, I decided to push her buttons a little more.

“Listen, bird woman, I’m not one to get involved in affairs like this,” I said, leaning back against the uncomfortable sofa as much as my chains would allow. “But I gotta say, it’s not looking good for you at all.” I laughed, trying to get under her skin, and to my delight, it seemed to work.

Luffy, always one for a good laugh, started chuckling, and Robin soon joined in, her soft laugh filling the room.

“You think you’re funny, Princess?” Monet spat, venom dripping from every word.

“Funny? Maybe,” I replied with a smirk. “But at least I’m not the one pining after someone who clearly doesn’t want me.”

Monet’s wings twitching with barely restrained anger. She took a step closer, her eyes narrowing dangerously. “You’ll regret mocking me,” she hissed, her voice low and threatening.

“Monet, back off.” A commanding voice cut through the tension, and a man walked into the room. His presence was intimidating, and it was clear he was someone not to be trifled with. As his eyes fell on me, a slow smirk spread across his face. “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

Shrugging my shoulders, I met his gaze with disdain. “So I’ve been told,” I replied coolly, refusing to let him see any fear.

The man’s smirk widened as he approached me. “Feisty. I like that,” he said, his eyes lingering on me in a way that made my skin crawl.

Law’s voice cut through the tension. “Touch her, and you’ll regret it,” he warned, his tone deadly serious. 

Tashigi gasped, recognizing the man. “Why is he here?!”

Smoker’s eyes narrowed. “Well, I’ll be damned—it’s the leader of G-5, Vergo!”

I continued to struggle with my chains, desperately trying to make contact with my bracelet to activate its power. “They really tightened these chains, huh,” I gritted, frustration growing with every second.

Monet turned to Vergo, beginning to discuss Caesar’s plans. Vergo sat opposite from where Smoker and I sat, completely uninterested in the lives of his soldiers. “It seems the preparations are on their way. Too bad for those Navy soldiers,” Monet said, her voice sickly sweet.

“Vergo!” Smoker shouted, rage bubbling to the surface. “Those soldiers out there—they’re your soldiers! The G-5! And you’re just going to let them die?!”

Vergo shrugged with disinterest. “Guess so. Oh well.”

“Wow, you are one heartless man, Vergo,” I said, disgusted by his lack of empathy.

Vergo stood up, walking towards me with a menacing grin. “Y/N!” Luffy called out, struggling against his chains, his voice tinged with worry.

Vergo ignored him, his focus entirely on me. “You know, it’s hard to believe we have a lot of big names in that cage and sitting right here. It’s quite a view,” Vergo said, stopping inches away from me.

Law’s voice was low and dangerous. “Back off, Vergo. I’m warning you.”

Vergo chuckled, ignoring Law’s threats as he placed his hand on my left thigh. I tried to control the panic rising in my chest, slowly beginning to raise my right leg to activate the anklet. “Even if it’s a small kick, with a powerful strike, that’ll buy us some time,” I thought.

“You’re one sick bastard for doing this to children!” Tashigi shouted, her voice filled with disgust.

“Vice Admiral, Tashigi—you both will die as well. That way, the secrets don’t come out,” Vergo said, his hand still placed on my thigh, sending chills down my spine.

“Get off me, creep!” I yelled, trying to back away as much as I could, but Vergo’s grip tightened. He grabbed my hair, harshly pulling me closer to him.

“Y/N!” Robin called out, her voice filled with concern.

I winced in pain, groaning as I struggled to break free. “You’ve got one smart mouth on you, you know that?” Vergo sneered, pulling my hair even harder.

Law’s voice was filled with rage. “Vergo, if you don’t let go of her, I swear—”

But before Law could finish, I summoned all my strength and kicked my right leg, aiming for Vergo. But my kick was met with his Armament Haki, halting my attack and sending a jolt of pain through my leg.

“Y/N!” Luffy yelled, watching helplessly as I fell back into the sofa, breathing heavily, the pain almost unbearable.

Vergo backed up, his eyes narrowing as he assessed me. “Monet, tie her legs together. That was one strong kick,” he ordered as he walked away, leaving me breathless and yelping in pain.

Law’s eyes were filled with desperation as he watched Vergo walk away. “Y/N, hang in there,” he whispered, his voice trembling with anger and worry. “I’m not letting them get away with this. Not while I’m still breathing.”

I closed my eyes, trying to hold onto that promise, hoping that somehow, some way, help would come. Whether it was Sanji, Zoro, or any of the others—anyone who could get us out of this nightmare.

.

.

.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly its one of the largest Must Understand and Respect things about us to be our friend or someone close fo us; our productivity and constant "ability" to constantly work is neither a choice / reflection of our character nor is it actual "ability" or anything that really should be praised or put on a pedastal

Cause I know a lot of people with mental and physical disabilities like to romanticize it (and worse when they explicitly romanticize trauma that directly played into it as something they wish they got instead, things Ive actually had said to me in public servers) and I get it, I think its hard for people with different and often opposite coping mechanisms to understand and fathom

It's just none of this is a choice, none of this is even a lack of a choice of me forcing myself to do it when I can't.

I don’t stop because my brain doesn't feel tired, doesn't experience tired, turns off exhaustion and blindly burns fuel I don't have. My brain is wired so deeply to not feel my limits that even if I KNOW my limits, I can only go "I should stop" before the anxiety of settling in unideal situations pushes my "lack of feeling tired" to keep me going.

I've been awake for 15 hours and only now did I stop for anything other than eating; that is after doing this for 14 hours yesterday. I will likely do it again tomorrow.

I'm not really meaning to complain, I've lived my whole life like this and if I don't have my fiance or someone to remind me how long I've been working, tells me to sit down, or someone to prompt me to check in with my limits logically - I really wouldnt notice it until my body gets ill or my brain has a full crash

And yeah, all things considered, as far as maladaptive coping mechanisms go, at least this one almost always provides something good and productive from it (career advancements, jobs, cleaning, organizing, new skills, etc), it's still an immensely self destructive and unhealthy thing to engage in.

I'm not going to say I detest this, this has gotten me a lot of places and I'm thankful for it, but a lot of my progress in life comes from this double edged sword that most people fail to both respect the trauma and harm it comes from as well as applauding the growth its given

Anyways Im rambling, Im clearly tired even if I don't feel tired cause my language and cognitive skills are shot af and I'm not even sure how cohesive this is but ugh

I live like this partially by just mentally jumping into the future and having my ideas and plans and mentally living there while going "once I make it real, then I can relax" and repeat it mentally like a mantra

But hey

Once everything is where it belongs and I have my autism room, then I can relax.

(until then im gonna have to keep going for anything not food or sleep)

Its also really ironic but I want to put "Im alright though guys cause I just need to get to a point where everything is set up, then I can relax and itll be all good" unironically 😂

Either way, Ill survive at least until then. These sort of things I just kinda gotta ride out, its not worth resisting and Ill try to relax if I can when my fiance tells me to (he banned me from working more, otherwise zi probably still would be)

Man though if anything about moving lately taught me anything about myself, it is that I REALLY can't stop and relax when there are things that need to be done cause man, I have not taken a real break other than eating and sleeping since we got here which is NOT a thing to be celebrated

Like this wouldn't stand out too much if I didnt have my fiance and shit cause I have always been like this but damn.

I'm like "why am I tired / have a headache / hungry so early??" and my fiance - who has PTSD and related disorders that has worked alongside me for 70% of it - shakes me and goes "YOUVE BEEM WORKING ALL DAY" and I'm just like

[mizuta]

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

[caandlelit]

omg werewolf matsukawa elaborate i want dem hcs

ok so ive got this horrible word doc with my jambled mess of a concept for this witch makki werewolf matsun fic im writing its like 3% done expect it within 2 business years

(edit. this post is too long but i cant stop typing this is good)

werewolf matsun is the SEXIEST idea ever anyone thats done it is doing gods work because that shit is hot . its fucking sexy okay

in my barely formed au he becomes a werewolf in third year

he hears about weird sounds in the forest at night ok

and he convinces witch hanamaki that they shld camp out and see what it is 

because he’s been so interested in the witchy supernatural shit since even before he met him 

and hanamaki is like okay fine But im wearing my warding pendent and matsukawa is like WHEN WILL U ADMIT YOU’RE A WITCH and hanamaki, mid-putting on his witch hat, ruffles his hair and says idk what ur talking about

they camp out and they’re just bantering and its cute and fun for 2 hours then

matsun hears growling and snapping noises and he’s like hanamaki stay in the fuckin tent 

and obviously hanamaki is like on god that is the stupidest thing uve ever said issei no

 and matsukawa steps outside and he holds a hand back to stop makki and he steps out and looks around, eyes narrows 

and he’s like … straightening up and furrows his brows and ‘theres nothing here’ 

and he feels like everything is slow and odd and unreal and he turns and sees bright, yellow eyes and he hears the snarl and jerks back 

and he’s being attacked and leaped upon and he shouts curses and screams and theres sharp teeth at his side and the smell of matted fur 

and hanamaki sprints out and ?? magic spells it away (leave me alone) 

what is the spell? what kindof witch is hanamaki? what does he say?

(begone thot!) 

the wolf creature howls and thuds off, fast and loping and hanamaki turns and he’s panicked and is like ‘issei? oh FUCK’

matsukawa is like fuck fuck fuck 

leaning against a tree and lightheaded and he collapses, head back against the trunk and sweat pouring down his temples, iron in his mouth where hes biting his tongue to keep from scremaing at the sharp pain

touches his side and his fingers come away bloody 

his breath is heavy and hes like takahiro im dying 

and hanamaki’s dropping down beside him and lifts his arm and says shut the fuck up you’re not dying you asshole and hes sniffling 

and matsuns like im sorry i dragged u out here and hanamaki’s like shut up shut up. issei. shit . issei you were right 

and hes like wh what was i right about and hes like you were right. im a witch . and youre not fucking dying here, asshole

issei mumbles fuck yeah and does like a little fist pump

and he whispers a spell to carry him over back to his house 

and he bandages him up and matsun is tired and in pain and staring at him in the moonlight 

MONDAY

go to school and matsun has white bandages wrapped around his side hidden under his shirt and hes a little scraped up even though hanamaki healed and cleaned up as much as he could

someones like oooh matsukawa your arm is scraped up wtf 

and hes like yeah man i got in a fight to protect takahiros honor 

makki’s like yeah…. :/// he lost 

and matsuns like shut up asshole and theyre laughing and theyre good theyre okay 

half way through the school day, long and tired and the bell seems louder and harsher and shriller and everything is too bright and loud and making his eyes and ears hurt 

in the bathroom matsun takes off the tape bc hes feeling nauseous and everything feels a little too much for some reason hes assuming bc of the wound, maybe its infected

and he checks it while hes inside and the bandages come off and 

its clean no bite no blood no mark 

and he stares at it and says what the fuck and texts hanamaki 

and hanamaki sees the text and its just ‘SOS BATHROOM NOW PLELASE’ 

asks his teacher to let him go to the bathroom and he steps into the bathroom and matsun spins around and gestures at his side and chest wordlessly 

hanamaki like blinks at the sight of matsuns abs and then blinks again at the healed skin and hes like what the fuck  

so

he has sharper vision and sense of smell and hearing 

and hes like takahiro……..everything feels horrible and too much and hanamaki’s like ok so what do u want me to do knock u out so u don’t feel anything? and matsukawa’s like huh actually and hana’s like Shut up Dumbass

werewolf matsukawa suddenly stronger and hanamaki so so bitter about it ignoring his personal ‘im attracted to him’ feelings and pretending hes mad abt the super strength

matsukawa’s eyes glinting yellow on occasion and hanamaki trying not to scream bc god that’s sexy

the day they see the healed skin they like walk home silent and shell shocked 

matsukawa staring hollowly at the sidewalk his posture lost

hanamaki squinting off into the distance

makki opening his mouth angrily at one point

only to close it defeatedly bc he cant even……

a conversation in hanamaki’s bedroom along the lines of 

‘issei why is my life literally teen wolf why am I stiles from teen wolf’ 

matsun perks up ‘oh that’s dylan o briens character right? does that make me derek !!!’ 

and hanamaki turns from where hes muttering angrily and squints at him and says slowly

‘why the fu- dude? u r scott ??? because u are a FUCKING WEREWOLF ??????? why would u be derek ???? ur my best friend that turned into a GODDAMN WEREWOLF-‘ 

‘okok calm down hiro fine fine chill out‘ 

matsuns like slumping like ‘ugh, scott. i don’t wanna be scott hes painfully straight-‘ 

and hanamakis like throwing his hands up and shouting like ‘SO THEN !! why would u want to be derek!!!’ 

and issei’s like ‘…….nevermind we r not in the state to have a conversation about teen wolf, a show neither of us finished and obviously dont have any knowledge about’

im gonna have it properly set in 2013 itll be so cringey and fun

matsukawa also has insomnia and and gets migraines sometimes 

and hanamaki’s witchy incense smelling house and bedroom having him nodding off so easily and he sleeps over a lot 

especially after he gets bitten, because the migraines get worse

moreso near the full moon

and he comes in through the window and hanamaki is half asleep but always automatically pulls up his blanket and lets him in

big spoon matsun

he curls into his chest as best as he can, pressed tight between the wall and matsukawa

also i have this 

italics: makki

bold: mattsun

list of signs pointing towards issei probably being a werewolf: 

got bit by a giant dog-creature the bite mark disappeared next day (???? freaky shit)

sudden super healing and durability (useful for when oikawa serves the ball into your head – lmfao)

sudden heightened senses (my headaches r .. multiplying - :( )

sudden super strength (fuck u issei – i didn’t ask to be bitten takahiro – oh no u were bitten how sad for u and ur six pack – the werewolf actually decided i deserve super strength bc of how cool i am – and immeasurable pain every full moon too huh ???? – ...sacrifices were made)

90% sure he got stupider – sign of a dog brain ?? (FUCK OFF – do u want me to explain what a percentage is <3 – no </3)

hair growth (wtf does that mean ??? – it means i suddenly have more chest hair its very weird – ngl to u u were already pretty hairy -  fucker)

eyes turn yellow sometimes (wait, really????? – yes its so fucking weird – that sounds fucking epic actually – no comment)

big dick energy went up the ROOF (ok that’s enough asshole – tell me im lying hiro.)

edit: ok the full moon happened we’re all traumatized and hes definitely a FUCKING werewolf.

ill finish this as a fic one day ill post when i do

might also make a useless porno oneshot with just werewolf matsukawa and ? possibly dancer makki im very into dancer makki atm

long post im very sorry but !!!! thanks for the ask 

[mollydollyjournals]

I got to the evening without getting too big an urge to drink?? That's new, especially cause I'm sick. Normally that makes it worse because I dont have as many options to distract myself.

I have a small bit of wine left and it would prooobably be okay if I had it maybe...but I dont know, given how sick I felt earlier it could make that worse. Or more like...I'm pretty sure I'd feel better afterwards, but then worse later/tomorrow. And that's if I can even be trusted not to get more.

Basically I think I'm good for today, which is so badly needed.

Aaaand I got to about here before hb came upstairs and told me his last remaining grandparent died. I know he'd been ill. So hb asked if I can go to the funeral with him. And that's...a lot, for me. Its driving across the country and back to attend a formal event with people I dont know and my in laws, putting on the Normal face, not letting on that hb and I have barely spoken this past year, plus covid anxiety. Whether I have it and would spread it, or dont have it but could get it. I dont know it's a lot given how badly I'm doing with even just going to see friends and regular stuff. Having to do all of that is even more. And while I'm having this alcohol blip too. I'm sure if I go itll be too much. Way too much.

But then I'm not being supportive. The funeral of your last grandparent is probably something youd want support for, it's not like it's an unreasonable request. I just get really nervous with these things and its another thing that pushes me towards drinking, to calm nerves and make me talkative. It's not that I'd drink while I'm there, I'm not that bad. But just afterwards I'd probably want to. I'd struggle to come off the heightened anxiety.

The main reason I've had this entire overarching breakdown, like over the past few years, is from supporting other people and not getting enough support myself. I burned out from a particular run of looking after people and animals and working as much as I could, and I just never quite recovered. I've known for a while I need to try to get better at saying no to things that would require extra recovery time from me, and this is just in a place where it's both way too much but also something I really dont think I should say no to. They weren't super close but it's still a legit thing and idk.

But at the same time I feel like the consequences of me trying to go and then messing up my own things and then being a drain for even longer in future would be worse than if I just didnt go? But I dont know if he'd agree. Or if it'd seem rude to suggest that. I mean it is rude, I just dont know how reasonable it is. I need my needs to matter, but also this is a bigger thing, and I feel selfish for thinking so much about myself here but also I kind of have to because discussing it with him feels like asking him to help me figure it out which is a lot to ask, so I need to be able to decide what I'm able to do. Idk. I dont know how reasonable it is for me to say I cant handle going. Maybe it's that same guilt complex I mentioned earlier about being absent from school. Maybe it really is rude. Maybe he'll understand but his parents wont and will make a thing of it. I have no idea.

[snow-wind-and-all-we-will-find]

Hi! My names arthur and im working on improving my word and building my story, which currently has no name haha! I have a myriad of characters who ill try to list out and give brief descriptions of, aether is technically my main character and some of the characters who are up for question are dead in canon. But you can still ask them stuff, itll just be set before death.

When asking characters questions, rememeber to include the name, their age if theres diffrent ages, i dont mind repeated questions, but if you see the question try not to ask it again lol. If you cant find it with a quick scroll just ask it, although i dont know if this blog will even get that big.

Aether

He comes in three evolutions lol, technically, theres four but idk if i would count 7 year old aether.

Ages: 13 yo - colder, hasnt gotten used to emotions, there are two to this as well, pre-rev and then post-rev 13 yo aether, remember to specify lol.

16 yo- a bit more out there, still kinda disconnected and figuring things out, a bit more defensive

22 yo- lax, hes sorta figured shit out, hes not going to go grazy, hes just gonna be chill lol.

!The gaggle Ghosts!

Yurei

Her personality is very, ehhh, becuase i havnt done work with her, and i havnt completly figured out who she is fully yet, shes 18 yo when aether is 22 yo

18 yo- pretty oblivious, somehow still a bit cynical, very nice and sometimes motherly

Kakoku

Few thousand- mean, likes to bully yurei as he huants her, lowkey a simp for yurei but he wont admit that. Kinda cynical and likes to bring others down, generally a bully

Tamashi

19- emotionless, has to be a really strong emotion to make her emote, tends to stray away from other people, likes to be alone, blunt

Gunnar

A few thousand- sweet, warm and welcoming, tries to be very fatherly and a trusted figure, is very busy most of the tiime unfortunatly though.

!The greek gang!

Argus agapov

16- unstable, pretty baby, protective over friends and family

Mythos agapov

23- whore. He also loves his family, lowkey, hes a trad wife

Perceus

15/16- timid, intrested in posiosn and acids, generally quiet, likes to eat leaves, scaredy cat

Diogenes

14- germ of phobe, kind of a brat, more just a bitch, will yell at you if he sees your hands were dirty from gardening or something while you’re walking to the sink, other than that hes fine, picky eater

Herodotus

15- disorginized, trys his best, likes to write stuff down, helps plato with his writing and grammar in general, gullible, likes record data, has a nice typewriter with tha good clicky clack

Plato

8- sweet baby boi, loves his older brother (socrates), idolizes him even, not a good idea though. He writes down everything socrates does, sometimes he imitates his brother as well.

Socrates

17- dumb of ass, also just dumb, held back a grade, feral child, bites alot of people, soft aestechic but hed stab as a warning

Heracles

30- also dumb of ass, loves cars in that ‘mah babeh’ kinda way. Hates motorcycles, he thinks they’re ugly. Chaotic but he utilizes it to be the weird and cool uncle/cousin thing

Zeus

46- too tired for this shit, is a dad, went out to get milk, jk jk, dissapeared for a hot few years, probably got captured by some gang dunno, it happens. Very serious, would make the dumbest jokes with his brothers with a straight face

Hades

50- lowkey the neglected middle child, soft goth lookin ass, loves his kid, tries his best to raise his kid, sometimes gets help from esme

Poseidon

57- proud stay at home dad, buff but does the typically wifely duties, makes sure his children get enough love, nutrience and care

Lillith

54- very active, the money maker, kinda soft, both her and her husband poseidon are so just in love with their kids, dote on them constantly, very extroverted, always makes time for her kids

Esme

51- tired of zeus’ shit, does her best to make sure no one dies, still treats mythos as her ‘little baby boy, tired mom vibes.

!the Eden gang!

Eden is a fictional country that i slapped onto the globe. It is where aether is from, technically aether is apart of the eden gang as well. Everyone here, if they have an age option, the first age option is the age they are when aether is 13, and the second will be when aether is 16 unless stated otherwise

General kyelli

49- fatherly, thinks of most of the gang as his children, calls everyone ‘son’, as a general rule. If you ask for another nickname, he will do his best. Has a bad knee, and is kinda of bad at existing physically

52+- fatherly still, loves almonds, always has a bag of almonds, dont test him. Enjoys travel, might adopt people he meets along the way, still has pains but now he sees doctors, wants to stay active

Indigo

13- sweet, optimistic, always looks on the brightside and tries to see the good in others. Little heater, understands that sometimes fighting is the only option

Akrano

16- lively, very loose and relax, can get serious when needed though, always making jokes and trying to lighten up the mood

19- a bit more, mellow. Still quite lively and childish, but with two signifigant-others you have to settle down sometimes

Ekrano

16- lively, more stern than akrano and kinda worried, but ultimatly also very loose and bright

Lilliana

16- serious, seemingly colder towards everyone, gets along great with psycho-lops, makes him new eye-patches to pass time, actually just very monotone and blank most of the time, although she does care

19- she doesnt change much, she got a bit more expressive, likes babysitting howl

Psycho-lops

16 1/2- always looks determined, actually kinda scared of conflict, likes to help out with healing though, very proficient in it as well, sounds intimidating while talking about how cute puppies and kittens are

19/20- still the same, is considering studying medicine and medical practices to become a doctor.

Bark

17- bright, incredibly lively, loves to joke around and tease and sometimes bully the others, targets aether primarily, hangs out with his brother most of the time, he can fight for himself but he likes the backup, especcially since he is kinda glass-jawed, being that hes a twig

Bite

17- quiet, intense eyes, always sounds vaugly confused when he speaks, deep voice lol, likes to train, doesnt understand barks need to tease others, likes to read to the children

20- quiet, intense eyes still, more so nervous sounding, slightly paranoid, cluastrophobic and cant stand dusty places, usually in his house or at the docks, doesnt really go anywhere else

Hanelle

17- loud, headstrong, adamant about her opinions, gets along well with bark, she tries alot to be intimidating, not a twig, but not very big, pretty friendly and sociable

!the band of pirates!

Aklea

A few hundreds of years- kinda bored seeming, loves blood, technically cannibal, but not really since he isnt human, to an extent. Despite being fine on the ocean, he gets very car sick very easily. Actually quite nice, very easily triggerd into violence, especcially by something that could be used as a good murder weapon, blood makes him jittery and more lively

Nerone

21- calm, too calm, deals with akleas bullshit wonerfully, he just stands there, blank smile on his face as aklea beats the shit outta someone, unintrested in most anything, likes to draw, but hes a much better pastry chef.

!the shakespears!

Midem(pink boi)

33- lively, loves to work with kids, very creative, likes to make things, mainly art, mainly carvings. Often make little minitures of scenes from midens writing, loves his twin, does anything it takes to fund midens intrests. Very loving to those hes close to

Miden

33- calmer by alot lmao, pretty introverted but he can hold a long conversation without becoming too drained, enjoys writing and making stories, also makes plays for fun, runs off little sleep cuase he stays up so late to write, and gets up early to write.

!gods!

Gideon

9 billion- confused boomer, loves his ‘children’, hates to be hated, always tries to help in anyway he can, despite making them, always curious into what mortals are doing, loves the universe he created and does anything he can to protect it

Merik

7 million- sore loser, does get a little salty, ultimatly bounces back and becomes a very good sport, always will adopt tactics, whatever it takes to win within the rules, keeps most all of his trophies from random feats hes done

Ventus

5 billion - calm, straightforward, tends to disregard others and do things himself, likes to sit on cliffs and watch the ocean

Kyle

Hes been around since 776 bc- very loud, lively, bright, tries his best to educate people on proper form, workout regime i intesne, doesnt allow others to take it, makes custom workout regimes for free, owns a gym, dude bro but hes nice, baby

Horo-sha

Her age technicaly is not accurate, shes like, 2 billion? Since dima was made right after her death. But since her history still lives, ima count it

5 billion but older than ventus- bitter, violent, former god of justice, fucking dead haha, hates mortals, primarily humans

Dima

Also not super accurate, hed only be a few centuries of being an active god before being sealed, but since hes technically, concious and has cognitive function hes counted

3 billion- mean lol, likes blood and gets even more violent when it starts getting messy, ‘new’ god of justice, uh, pretty bad at it like the last one, but worse, will kill over slight misdeameanors, everythings a crime smh

!misc!

Ivan

24- softspoken, from imperial russia, died young, he no longer feels his face is his own, has a mask that he likes better, has the sickness, but since he was human it killed him, can control it post mortem, is strong enough to be seen, but weak enough he can go invisible and go through solid objects.

More ocs will be added when i remember them, or create new ones, characters i dont really have built at all are not included

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 98

[Date: 19/03, 06:01 AM GMT - 19/03, 06:50 AM GMT]

[CW for unethical floral experimentation, injury mention]

kateza affectionate: “mona, don't be so hard on yourself, ok?”

Maxwell: “....i....think we should tell her about the other stuff

mona”

Little-K1ng: “............theres more????”

Marcus: “.........heh”

Little-K1ng: “uh. heh?”

Maxwell: “I saw syds observation post from yesterday...it had a scrrenshot of something I said, and jack and them told me thats what you didnt want me seeing yesterday....”

Marcus: “Oh that

....yeah”

Little-K1ng: “O_O

uh..........................................................”

Marcus: “...that’s kind of what the argument was about”

Little-K1ng: “,,,,,,,,,,,,um

oh fuck. i

max...”

Maxwell: “im not upset”

Little-K1ng: “i just...”

Maxwell: “i took some time”

Little-K1ng: “you're... not?”

Maxwell: “and i get why you did it

yeah

but”

kateza affectionate: “you're in an unprecedented situation. a situation that keeps getting worse and worse with seemingly no reprieve. I don't blame you for slipping up here and there- there's so much stress involved that it's almost expected for you to be upset. i don't think anyone blames you for doing these things. that's all i wanted to say.”

Maxwell: “its gotten worse

baroness has images of more times where i've slipped up

at least twice during my argument with her”

Little-K1ng: “oh christ”

Maxwell: “and then I switched back to ender for certain words....”

Little-K1ng: “i.....”

Maxwell: “and....i sent prince an ask on faer blog....”

Little-K1ng: “you... did?”

Maxwell: “saying i was sorry for upsetting faem and i hoped i could see faem again soon”

Little-K1ng: “oh no oh no

oh max....”

Maxwell: “fae said "see you soon, page"���

Marcus: “...max signed the ask as page as well”

Maxwell: “no no

the was the second one”

Marcus: “..there was one before??”

Maxwell: “after he answered the first one i closed my eyes to breath”

Little-K1ng: “how can i be getting worse so much faster....”

Marcus: “.....I don’t...remember”

Little-K1ng: “unless...”

Marcus: “...huh”

Little-K1ng: “oh fucking christ no non on ono nonon ono nonono.....”

Maxwell: “and when I opened them like three minutes had passed and I had sent an ask as page apparently”

Little-K1ng: “did..... did crown do something? did he get in? did he get in when i left the door open??? and make it worse???????”

Marcus: “...I don’t

...max i don’t remember you sending an ask

Only page”

Little-K1ng: “is it my fault? did... did i do that? did i really.... i..... left you vulnerable....... i....”

Maxwell: “no it isnt your fault”

Little-K1ng: “i just....... this doesnt.... this doesnt hurt me nearly as much as it should.... im not... im still not upset..?”

Marcus: “Mona, Crown didn’t come in...I would’ve seen him. It’s not your fault”

kateza affectionate: “this isn't your fault mona

you're probably emotionally tired”

Little-K1ng: “but i just... i still just feel empty about it. i feel fully justified about this and i know i fucked up but im not hurt”

Raeva: “oh...”

Maxwell: “uh....I have marigold tea if you want some”

Little-K1ng: “i cant even fucking apologize right”

Marcus: “You didn’t mess up

...max what”

kateza affectionate: “you're emotionally burnt out, Mona. This is a bad situation”

Little-K1ng: “wh. where did you get marigolds?”

Maxwell: “oH

uH”

Marcus: “max”

Little-K1ng: “....;max????”

Maxwell: “hm.....well....

Little-K1ng: “max i dont have any tea except dandelion root

you're 16 you dont have money or a car

where the fuck,????”

Maxwell: “fetch was hurt....and i wanted to make sure I could help him tomorrow if he came back home tomorrow”

Marcus: “.....arent the flowers on your laurel...”

Maxwell: “.....”

Marcus: “max you didnt”

Little-K1ng: “mAaAaAaX??!!!!

what the HELL”

Marcus: “Don’t yell at him!”

Little-K1ng: “ahhhhh??????????????

im ??? not yelling on purpose im just????????

what the hell ??????”

Maxwell: “i wanted to help and it works?!”

Marcus: “you tested it???”

Maxwell: “yes”

Little-K1ng: “thats such a silly idea max of course it worked??? magic is like that sometimes??? but why would you have even thought about it ?????????”

Marcus: “max”

Maxwell: “i...”

Little-K1ng: “thats so silly how did it taste wh”

Maxwell: “i knew marigolds have the ability to help heal wounds...they can help speed up the process sometimes by a couple of days”

Marcus: “Are you okay??”

Maxwell: “they can help with blood flow”

Marcus: “Which ones did you cut off? Did you only cut one?”

Little-K1ng: “are you???? ok max first of all. heavy metal poisoning speedrunning. nice one. but also. dude cmon they double when you do that”

Maxwell: “and can sometimes even be used to treat infections...

i only cut one but it workss”

Little-K1ng: “one flower for how much ??”

Marcus: “...”

Little-K1ng: “like. did the water change color? bubble strangely? make fucked up ender noises at you??”

Maxwell: “i got a scrape on my arm when I was pacing outside waiting for fetch and I dipped a paper towel in it and put it on the wound”

Little-K1ng: “god maybe i am emotionally exhausted”

Maxwell: “it almost fully closed instantly”

Marcus: “...I kinda hope it made ender noises that would be funny”

[Maxwell: “it almost fully closed instantly”]

Little-K1ng: “hUH”

Maxwell: “it healed the wound faster than normal

not completely but enough”

Little-K1ng: “oh you better hope you dont do that too much and find out once your laurel wilts the wounds just open wtf”

Marcus: “I don’t think normal marigolds do that”

Little-K1ng: “thats like. supremely fucked dude??? thats weird.”

Maxwell: “.....”

Marcus: “...interesting”

Little-K1ng: “if you only used one did you??? just use the one i cut?”

Maxwell: “i wanted to help fetch

no the...one you cut was a bud

i needed one with petals that was bloomed...”

Marcus: “Y’know Max, I don’t think anyone else would’ve tried that”

Maxwell: “also the bud hasnt wilted despite being cut off a day ago...

but yeah i needed petals”

Marcus: “....”

Maxwell: “i tried to take em off when it was on my head but it felt like I was pulling out my hair so i stopped and just....”

Little-K1ng: “no, i understand the need. i get it. i want to help fetch too and honestly? i would have done the same”

Maxwell: “took a whole one”

Marcus: “...are you okay?

How did that not wake me up”

Little-K1ng: “im. i just. i feel so screwed up about this whole thing.”

Maxwell: “i didnt yell”

Marcus: “...”

Maxwell: “i numbed it with ice and grabbed the scissors

fetch wasnt happy when i told him”

Little-K1ng: “well of course not”

Maxwell: “jack saw it as an experiment”

Marcus: “...you talked to fetch?

Like directly?”

Little-K1ng: “you told him???”

Maxwell: “no he was messaging her”

Little-K1ng: “i dont even tell him when i hide a pill in some cheese for him

wait dont tell him that i said that”

Marcus: “I thought he just gave an update and that’s how you knew about stuff”

Maxwell: “to let us know he wouldnt be home tonight

yeah and i said i knew a way to help heal him”

Marcus: “...”

Maxwell: “he...knew i was gonna do something I shouldnt have

theres still quite a bit left”

Marcus: “....i can see why he would think that”

Maxwell: “it's in a bowl....

....you can use some if you need it”

Little-K1ng: “...........ok. would it be weird. if i drank it

like a little bit

maybe itll?? pick up my mood or something”

Marcus: “What if it cures your migraines”

Maxwell: “i dont know if it works for moods”

Little-K1ng: “god i WISH”

Maxwell: “uh give me a sec”

[Marcus: “What if it cures your migraines”]

Little-K1ng: “MARCUS IF IT DOES THAT IM GIVING YOU TWO THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE”

Maxwell: “you could try but as far as i remember it wont work

it works for wounds and inflammatory stuff”

Little-K1ng: “damn”

Marcus: “Why would you give it to me-”

Little-K1ng: “yeah ill be honest i maybe do not want the weird rat juice . at least not right now”

Maxwell: “its...flower

i put the petals in a pot and boiled em”

Little-K1ng: “Brain Flower of the Rat is not exactly the most appealing tea flavor, max. with all due respect”

Maxwell: “then i strained them”

Marcus: “Juice of Brain Flower of the Rat then”

Maxwell: “actually tastes slightly like normal water...

if anything slightly sweet

jack said it might taste like rose water”

[Marcus: “Juice of Brain Flower of the Rat then”]

Little-K1ng: “sick new lacroix flavor”

[Maxwell: “jack said it might taste like rose water”]

Little-K1ng: “.....rose water?”

Maxwell: “yeah you boil the roses then strain em into a bowl

like i did with the marigolds”

Little-K1ng: “i like rose water... :/ guess maybe i do want the fucked up rat brain plant water”

Maxwell: “you could try some its not like I cant make more”

Little-K1ng: “....hm !!! dont like that

do not make more rat water”

Maxwell: “....”

Little-K1ng: “i will try some but do not make more”

Marcus: “...please stop calling it rat water?”

Little-K1ng: “marcus?? do you want to try some (Patent Pending) Maxwell Ratatouille's Funky Fresh Brain Tea™️?”

Maxwell: “....

im too tired for this shit”

Little-K1ng: “im coping max.”

Marcus: “....”

Maxwell: “ fair”

Marcus: “I don’t have any injuries?”

Maxwell: “im.....i might go to sleep soon....

who?”

Marcus: “Who?”

Little-K1ng: “we dont have injuries

basically

okay so uh?? bottoms up i guess”

sip sip

sip

Marcus: “..oh wait

My elbow?

Does it work on old injuries?”

Little-K1ng: “uh. hm

it tastes good?”

Maxwell: “oh yeah its burned! it wont get rid of the injury but it might help with any lingering pain?”

Little-K1ng: “it tastes nice actually, the rose water thing was actually accurate

........................................huh

wtf”

kateza affectionate: “I’m gonna head to bed. Stay safe y’all. Much love /p”

Little-K1ng: “gn Kate !

uh

hm. okay”

Maxwell: “hm?”

Marcus: “What Mona?”

Little-K1ng: “so. i may have forgotten to mention out loud to yall but i have some pretty bad joint pain

like, typically, its a mid level pain all the time

and its jsut? less

less pain

thats nice”

Maxwell: “told ya it works!”

Little-K1ng: “it.... does !

dont make more though

ill enjoy this for as long as it lasts but for gods sake max dont pick the laurel for tea”

Marcus: “Please don’t make more rat juice max”

Little-K1ng: “gonna do a rat juice high five marcus

try it??”

Marcus: “I’ll..try just applying it to my elbow”

Little-K1ng: “something something dab joke”

Marcus: “Man you really are tired huh?

Little-K1ng: “i am so tired

work was hard

and i came home, expecting like, the remnants of a fight”

Marcus: “Okay- oh”

Little-K1ng: “only to realize that like, just about every problem for the last 2 days are probably entirely my fault”

Marcus: “Mona”

Little-K1ng: “and i dont actually have it in me to think i actually did anything wrong and i keep getting angry and snapping at people who dont deserve it”

Marcus: “Mona it’s fine

I promise”

Little-K1ng: “<:(”

Maxwell: “you okay marcus”

Little-K1ng: “^this is an incredibly forced frown. again, i dont feel bad”

Maxwell: “the water didnt hurt you right?”

Marcus: “Huh?

Oh

No it’s quite soothing actually”

Little-K1ng: “yeah weird right ??”

Marcus: “A bit”

Little-K1ng: “i WILL physically fight you max if you try to make more though

i will get mad. dont”

Maxwell: “....sorry”

Little-K1ng: “i mean dont be sorry for trying it, that was a good idea

but you've done it once, thats enough”

Marcus: “Please don’t make more max”

Little-K1ng: “for safety reasons”

Marcus: “Yeah”

Little-K1ng: “i dont know how easily those stems get infected

and with how deep they run i really dont want you to find out

i already endangered you all this far, please dont help me do that

guys... you both look so tired”

Maxwell: “you wont endagenr us its fein”

Little-K1ng: “maybe you should go to bed”

Maxwell: “im fien”

Little-K1ng: “sounds like it ,':)

head to the tulips, dormouse :)!”

Maxwell: “fuckign what”

Maxwell: “awwwww i love emas”

Little-K1ng: “do you guys want to sleep in the living room? my bed is pretty huge”

Maxwell: “oh iv emafe a neast on the fllor”

Little-K1ng: “oh perfect, and it looks like marcus is already asleep :) thats okay!! goodnight you guys”

Maxwell: “nihgtn”

[dbzebra]

☕️ OH YKNOW WHAT AT THAT NOTE? Talk about that dbs broly movie cuz yknow. That’s a hot topic of the ages that folk feel particularly really strongly about

ooooh ive been waiting for this one. We watched this together on discord so you know my general feelings but Im happy i got this ask lol.

putting this under read more cause it gets long 

The new movie that everyone seems to love and adore.... that I dont. It was a pretty middle of the ground, meh overrated af movie. Not bad, just nothing special. I enjoyed watching it sure, but not something I have an inkling to return to anytime soon if ever. It was just ‘there’ for me. 

First, I’ll say the good stuff. The visuals looked really pretty. Nobody was THAT out of character of the existing cast (save for the ending), which i feel weird to have to even mention it as a positive, but nothing really stood out to me as a defining moment for the little cast we had besides Goku’s “youre not a bad guy, i can tell” or w/e. SUPER SAIYAN 1 IS STILL GOAT. It looked soooo good in this movie i wish we couldve kept it the whole time instead of Blue. But i will say, Blue looked much better in this movie than the series. The darker-blue with the lighter blue eyes was a nice change from instead of the ugly bluish-green the series did. Also the aura looked better. Backgrounds like the ice area and even Planet Vegeta were amazing. Action was great too. little Bulla was cute. The OST i liked (the chanting really grew on me) and Blizzard is a banger i love that song. Oh and the aritisic license they took for the fusion scene with the reds and blues spiraling together was great

Anyway thats all the positives I have lmaoo

This film includes Minus and I already went in depth on why I hate Minus with a passion and why it’s the worst thing to come out of modern Dragon so yeah moving on. But the fact that they devoted screentime to Gokus backstory which ultimately served no purpose to the story of the film and couldve been used more valuably elsewhere. 

I said the action was good, and it was, but it almost too good. At times it was so fast to tell that was going on and really lessened the impact for me. Like when they went into the other dimension or whatever, Gogeta went blue and Broly went LSSJ (idc if the name is different name, itll always be legendary SSJ to me lmao) so ast it was a blink and you miss it moment. like what? those moments shouldve been given even a little bit of focus. 

Next the cast. Goku and Vegeta. AGAIN. snorefest. no Gohan, Piccolo is just there to show them the fusion, Goten and Trunks are still kids and look like babies (and Pilaf gang is with them which is another can of worms), no Android 17, who the series established as one of the top 4 fighters on Earth. 

Do we get any of that? Nope. Just the two Blue and Bluer fucking again and again I. dont. care. anymore. Their dynamic is so boring and played out id rather watch paint dry. It was fun in Buu Saga, hell it was even fun in GT, but DBS constantly forcing this dynamic and Vegeta as the second Main Character needs to fucking STOOOP. Toei and Toriyama has no idea how to further Vegeta’s character because theyre stuck in this infinite loop. 

Vegeta doesnt want to help Goku, he mentions Bulma and/or Trunks, Vegeta blushes, and then he decides to help. THAT HAPPENED LIKE SIX TIMES IN DBS ALONE. It happened in Buu saga as well, but it organically worked cause it was the first time but Bulma and Trunks were ALREADY DEAD/ABSORBED. The look on his face wasnt blushy or pouting for a gag, dude was legit shocked. I rag on Vegeta but he had some legit great moments in the early arcs and later parts of Buu Saga. Anyway im off track. They repeat that same exact character moment OVER AND OVER. cant tell you how many times we had “my Bulma, my bulla, my Trunks, my cabba” in the Tournament of Power alone, and this movie is no different.

DO SOMETHING ELSE FFS

Then we have Broly. ohhhhhh boooy Broly. if you can even call this version of him Broly. His backstory is kinda the same as original movie 8/Broly LSSJ, but its more tragic becuase according to most fans, if youre background is a sobstory, that equals better character. NO. sure it could, but that trope was so worn out so long ago I hate it. “waaa his life was bad, hes not a bad guy” bruh i dont care thats not Broly. just make an OC if you wanna do that. but nope. gotta use the marketing! (More on that later)

People like to criticize Z Broly as “he hates Goku cause he cried” or “all he says is Kakarot” which both are false. On the first point, Broly is a psychopath. He was stabbed as an infant and left to die along with Paragus cause he was too powerful. Then that same day Planet Vegeta explodes practically on top of them. The rest of his life hes basically either being controlled or on a rampage. So that one moment of peace is “ruined” by Goku in a sense cause he subconsciously associates that with Goku. On the second point, Broly was already mentally unstable and then nearly dying, getting caught in the explosion of a SECOND PLANET and then being frozen for seven years will fuck anyone up in the head. Z Broly in the original movie was sadistic af and he had a lot of memorable moments and lines that werent just screaming Kakarot, that Second Coming made him infamous for. 

New Broly is legit a man-baby. People talk about old Broly having no personality and this new version having a deep character, but I dont see it. He acts like a child when hes with Cheelai and Lemo and then once the fighting starts he doesnt say a single word but yell. SOUND FAMILIAR?? But he gets a pass because the canon police says so right??? fuck off. New Broly is boring. Im tired of trying to make the Saiyans into ThEyRe noT aLl BaD sEe The SaIyAns ArE AcTuAlLy GoOd!!!11111 ugh i hate it. keep Broly a psycho and keep Bardock a prick. even that guy that went with Buzz Lightyear I mean Paragus was a sweet guy who couldnt fight because of course he was. At least they kept Paragus being a prick when he killed him. Tho his death was lame. 

Cheelai’s overrated af. Shes just green bulma lmao. and the fact that they included the “big soft-spoken man gets mad and saves girl from drunk lowkey-rapey pervert” trope just had me roll my eyes like dude stop. Lemo was fine? Nothing against him but didnt do much for me either.

FUCK. FREEZA. i went over this one before too so ill be quick with this as well. I hate hate hate the fact that they brought him back not once but twice in DBS, but even worse that they left him alive to do whatever tf he wants including going back to mass murdering people and expanding his army again. Goku and Vegeta just LET HIM LIVE. Why tf did they go all out and attack Broly, but not Freeza? when one of them was fighting Broly th other easily could have taken out freeza but nope we need a token villain like Joker or Skeletor cause unoriginality. Even at the end, Gogeta does a full power blast to wipe Broly tf out, but when Freeza tries to kill Cheelai and Lemo (two innocent people, feelings on them aside) Gogeta basically just shakes his finger like nuh-uh! dont do that! and then he flies off. Just let this mfer die already im sick of seeing his ass. FUCK I HATE IT SO MUCH GFGFFGFGFGF

Lastly this movie is legitimately Dragon Ball Fanservice The Movie. 

Gogeta vs Broly, which the games have been doing since fucking 2003, is the main point of this film. Theres no originality whatsoever. Minus is discount Father of Goku special, and then its a mashup of Broly LSSJ and Fusion Reborn (both of which are superior movies imo). This creatively banrkupt shell of a franchise cant think of anything new, so they legit remake an old movie, through in fusions because that sells like hotcakes, and make the animation pretty because thats all that matters.

Imo, this movie, like 99% of Super, is all flash and flair but no substance at all. At least this movie looked nice. unlike the show. 

ok thats all i got lmao

[tomakeitbeautifultolive]

Ok two months to go lets hear it: Who lives and who dies?

My death list is actually kind of short, but (probably) controversial:

The Mountain

Beric Dondarrion

Melisandre

Varys

Viserion

Cersei Lannister

Jaime Lannister

Jorah Mormont

Euron Greyjoy

Theon Greyjoy

The Night King

Sansa Stark

Jon Snow*

(*but he will be resurrected)

You’ll notice one very big name - perhaps the biggest - happens to be absent from my list. I’m not so sure I believe the leaks. *shrug*

My explanations and reasoning under the cut.

The Mountain

Of course, The Mountain is already dead, so this feels little redundant. I don’t think Cleganebowl is happening. The Mountain isn’t the same person Sandor had beef with, and Sandor isn’t the same person he once was. *shrug* I’m personally rooting for the Arya-takes-down-the-Mountain theory.

Varys

There’s a good chance that Melisandre is wrong about Varys’ death (like she’s wrong about well, almost everything):

“I have to die in this strange country, just like you.”

But we pair that with the line from Daenerys:

“If you ever betray me, I’ll burn you alive” 

…and it seems to seal his fate (I don’t buy for a second he’s got allegiance to anyone but himself). Of course, there’s a chance it could be a line foreshadowing someone else’s death that’s been ‘leaked’. We’ll see!

Viserion

I could argue that Viserion is already dead… but since “(The Night King)’s done the same thing to Viserion that he did with Craster’s sons,” I assume he’s a dragon version of an other. That’s probably not too important, anyway.

I think Viserion will be taken down by Drogon, mirroring Viserys and Drogo *shrug* I love my parallels, don’t I?

Cersei Lannister

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. Eh, eh?

For as much as everyone cries “cliche!” about Jaime being the valonqar, imagine if all that foreshadowing was traded in for some shock value, and someone like Sansa does it. *shudders* Nah, man. I want Jaime to mirror himself - the Kingslayer/Queenslayer who took down both mad monarchs threatening to ignite King’s Landing in green flames - finally getting recognized for his act of heroism. That’s much more satisfying than a quick shock that has no buildup. But I suppose, there is a pretty good chance the valonqar is Euron.

(Though I do admit - I would actually love for Cersei Lannister to make it out of this alive, somehow)

Jaime Lannister

“I cannot die while Cersei lives. We will die together as we were born together.”

Both twins have weird lines like this. So, it’s fair to assume if one dies, they both die. And if one lives, they both live. So if Cersei is brought down, Jaime will be, too. How do I see it happening? Perhaps by one last (poisonous) kiss - wherein Brienne comes in to cradle him as the life drains from his body? I dunno. But after all, he wants to die in the arms of the woman he loves, and for better or worse - that’s Brienne.

Jorah Mormont

It’s been long speculated that in season 8, we’ll be seeing a ‘beloved’ character turn into a wight - and I think the best candidate is Jorah Mormont (keep in mind we’re talking show Jorah, who is leagues better than book Jorah).

Admittedly, I do notoriously give D&D more credit than like, anyone else around here. That said - I’m not sure the polar bear thing was entirely for “coolness” factor, like they claim. The moment I heard this line, followed by Jorah looming eerily over Beric…

I thought for sure we’d see this paid off in the very same episode. To me, it just seems wildly out of place and a waste of dialogue. I hope it’s some clever foreshadowing that we’re going to see a dead 'Bear’ of Bear Isle biting someone next season.

Of course, there is always a chance that the greyscale might play some sort of role in preventing Jorah from turning… I guess we’ll see!

Lastly, I’ve always been intrigued by Jon holding a Mormont shield during the BotB - I have a tendency to read too much into everything, I admit - but wouldn’t it be great if Jorah died saving Jon’s hide?

Euron Greyjoy & Theon Greyjoy

For as formidable as book Euron may be - I don’t see him living. This series just isn’t about evil prevailing. What I think he will do, however, is attack Jon and/or Daenerys at sea, perhaps as they try to flee the north. I’m one of those annoying people who thinks very few lines of dialogue are wasted in-show, and this one is a fucking thorn in my side:

I think Theon will succeed in taking down Euron (I think this scene is a great foreshadowing that he’s going to save house Greyjoy by saving Yara), but it will likely be at the cost of his own life. I suspect he’ll not only save Yara - but perhaps some members of his other house, too. After all, he’s a Greyjoy and he’s a Stark.

The Night King

Oh, this one is fun, isn’t it? I’m probably the only person who doesn’t want the Night King to die - but I’m pretty sure he will and that I know how it’ll happen. First, we’ll finally get to see Vladimír Furdík’s stuntwork paid off in the final season, which almost ensures there will be an epic showdown between Jon and the Night King.

But you shouldn’t want Jon to defeat him! (Or Daenerys, for that matter!) Why?

“The gods hate kinslayers, even when they kill unknowing.”

This quote is specifically told to Jon by Ygritte when she recounts the tale of Bael the Bard. Interestingly, Bael the Bard heavily mirrors Rhaegar x Lyanna. And what also happens to mirror Lyanna, is how Sam and Jon become friends. Jon comes to his rescue as he’s getting his ass whooped by his fellow black brothers - just like his momma coming to Howland Reed’s aid. Both Jon and Lyanna go out of their way to further humiliate the tormenters, too.

I predict the Night King will disarm Jon Snow and in this crucial moment, and that’s when Sam the Slayer will thrust Heartsbane through his back (perhaps melted down into more wieldable daggers by Gendry?), Howland Reed-style, saving Jon’s life and frankly, blowing everyone’s minds.

Because after all…

“Everything that happens will be something that you’ve seen before.”

Buuuut it’s going to be about as satisfying as Arthur Dayne’s demise - as we’re going to learn of the Night King’s history, and perhaps that his death marked not only the death of the wights and white walkers - but all of Craster’s sons, perhaps wiping out a whole misunderstood race.

‘A villain is the hero of the other side’, after all - and if you’re familiar with my theory that the Night King is the one using his greenseeing powers to manipulate the visions in the flames that the followers of R'hllor see… then this line by Beric might foreshadow his death:

And that our heroes, the 'enemy’, will win.

Sansa Stark

Before anyone comes for me, there’s a fair amount of eerie foreshadowing - at least in the books. If the season 7 script leaks are to be believed, Sansa might still be the 'lone wolf’ she warned against last season, distancing herself from her family out of jealousy or paranoia.

The way I see it going down, though, (if it does at all) the Stark girls will mirror their direwolves - and Sansa just might die in her sister’s place, saving her life.

Jon Snow

First, let’s look at the conversation between Jon and Melisandre prior to the Battle of the Bastards:

“Any advice?”

“Don’t lose.”

“If I do, if I fall don’t bring me back.”

“I’ll have to try.”

“I’m ordering you not to bring me back.”

“I am not your servant, Jon Snow.”

“You’re in my camp. I’m the commander.”

“I serve the Lord of Light. I do what he commands.”

“How do you know what he commands?”

“I interpret his signs as well as I can.”

“If the Lord didn’t want me to bring you back, how did I bring you back? I have no power. Only what he gives me and he gave me you. Why? I don’t know. Maybe you’re only needed for this small part of his plan and nothing else. Maybe he brought you here to die again.”

Other than that, we’ve got some fucked up lines from Sansa:

(Thanks, Sansa. Great job.)

As well as Beric:

Alternatively, there is some amazing book foreshadowing that Jon will live.

Why include in the story Beric has come back from the dead multiple times, at all? Why tell us that each time he comes back, he’s a bit less of himself? He’s not a major character. Is it all just for 'flavor’ - or are we being groomed to see it happen again to someone we love?

And how bittersweet would that be - seeing Jon come back a second time, but not quite the man he used to be - the one we all grew to love.

I love the theory that Jon Snow is Dany’s mount, treason, and fire for love - and that she’s the one who commits treason against him, by possibly demanding he be brought back 'against his will’ (though, considering he’s a father-to-be and potential newlywed, I don’t think he’ll gripe about it as much in season 8 as he would’ve in season 6.)

When Jon died the first time - I thought for sure he’d come back in some blaze of glory. That they’d try to burn his body, but he’d have this epic 'Unburnt’ moment, like Dany (lol). I’d like to see Dany wake a dragon a second time with some sort of similar funeral pyre that she walks into… except that two people walk out instead of one.

I know, I know. *adjusts tinfoil hat*

But Sam Tarly happens to agree with me:

Always.

Beric Dondarrion

Considering the man gave his life long ago for Catelyn to become Lady Stoneheart in the books, I think his entire purpose for still kickin’ around in Season 8 is to give someone the 'Last Kiss’. Not really a unique idea, no. Popular candidates tend to be Sandor (after all, he tells him 'We will meet again’), Daenerys, or one of the Stark kids. But my money’s on Jon.

Melisandre

I’m an atheist (like GRRM), and therefore, I more or less despise Melisandre for basically convincing what used to be a good man to burn his daughter alive. That’s some Abraham and Isaac shit right there (and that shit better happen in the books because it’s powerful AF commentary and I’m here for it).

All that said, what I’d love to happen with Melisandre is to see her realize her god isn’t real (assuming the Night King has been messing with her visions), and have a personality crisis/breakdown. Afterward, if my theory about Jon happens to be true, she’ll play a role in bringing him back, perhaps even lending her life in the process. Buuuut I wouldn’t mind Gendry’s future wife avenging his cousin’s death and closing her 'blue eyes’ forever.

As for the rest…

People I’m unsure will live or die:

Drogon 🤞

Ghost 🤞

Nymeria 🤞

Davos Seaworth 🤞

Tyrion Lannister 🤞

Sandor Clegane 🤞

Grey Worm 🤞

Bronn

Ned Umber

Alys Karstark

People I think will live:

Samwell Tarly

Gilly

Daenerys Targaryen

Arya Stark

Bran Stark

Little Sam

“Boatbaby”

Rhaegal

Gendry

Missandei

Jon Snow (resurrected)

[hazexlperiment]

panic posting

3rd day abstaining from anything other than brief interaction with sheng. prob day like 20 or something since talking with someone i was comfortable with besides my therapist about anything at all

afraid to journal cause it might hurt my back and ill write wrong and my hand will hurt it and it makes me upset and ill just think about how i want to leave

afraid to excercise cause ill just fail to commit again and itll  be pointless cause theres no structure here and nothing attaching me to time and i might run into sheng and then ill spend hours thinking about how things she said and how i dont like it which will sidetrack me from anything personally constructive again

afraid to look at porn or get off cause it feels like im making bad habits and its getting my hopes up for something im not ready for and will make existing here hurt more and itll make me thjink about my body being bad more

afraid to look in the mirror

afraid of coming up with new ideas cause theyre all unhinged from time and ill just forget about them the second sheng talks to me and it all feels pointless

feel guilty for watching things like anime or something cause its wasted time where i could be doing something to better my situation

this venting is pointless and ruminating and not helpful and provbably going to make things worse cause im not gonna go back and read it and its like the equivalent of me etching my feelings in stone and. i just wanbt to hurt loudly and make company of my misery i guess. i dont know. im stupid and i havent figured out anything in life and im weak cause things need to be a certain way before i can heal even though i should be able to work with my circumstances but this echo chamber of my mind on repeat and the inability to talk to the only person around about literally anything without just hearing what sound like distant, unaffected observations and judgements and comparisons even though i dont know what else i could expect from her at this point cause i dont share my feelings cause i still really dont LIKE her and it feels like everythings my dfault all the time and i have no control ever and its supposed to be “easy” to feel good but nothing feels good anymore everything feels terrible all the time and shes always so happy and i hate myself and i hate her and and i hate all of this and i want to leave i cant muster up energy or willpower or spirit or anythingi want to be alone alonealonde

[mollydollyjournals]

Of course i feel really tired...but i only just woke up so maybe ill feel better after coffee. I also have a headache, which i guess is partly due to my body starting to complain for alcohol. I did get through yesterday though...so i can drink today.

I still want to keep to some kind of okay eating today. I dont know exactly what...which means ill probably end up deciding based on my alcohol intake. I have some quick easy food that works well for this, if i want to eat a bit more but need something healthy that fits my cals. I shojld do that. But maybe i wont...i felt a little smaller today even before weighing, and my face looks a little bit less fat. I want to continue. I want to keep it going and lose more and feel better. I want to feel more of my hipbones.

I know itd be better if i didnt drink, which is especially annoying. If it was that easy for me then i wouldnt. But judging by how hard yesterday was and how i tend to go, i think if i decide not to, ill binge drink later and itll be worse. I think its better to cut my losses and plan my drinking like this.

Plus i know im gonna get stressed today and i dont want to cave and start drinking when im in that mindset. Theres some stuff sround the house that needs doing, and some household finance stuff, which means hb will start repeating all the tasks and nagging. It always makes me anxious when people list everything i have to do. I try really hard to compartmentalise and not think about everything at once and not let the idea of what i have to do later ruin what im doing now (eg feeding the cats and making coffee) so when someone repeats that stuff it gets me really overwhelmed. I ask him not to do it and then he takes it personally and im like well ive explained why. And i already said yesterday im aware that stuff needs doing. And i always say ill do what i can when i can. So if i dont think im able to I'll let you know, but otherwise just assume I'll do it on my own time.

Never works out that way though. Its another situation where i get really anxious and have to try to hide it because otherwise itll just set him off. And of course it comes with all this pre-emptive anxiety. Then there are the other things that need sorting out...ugh. its already making me tired and anxious.

So ill have my coffee, wake up and all that, sort some things around the house, and when im done with that ill drink and relax or do more art studies. The knowledge that im able to drink and relax later helps.me get through the other stuff as well. I need to schedule and figure out some other stuff too but its already way too much, I'll deal with that later.

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[theday]

I CAN'T REPLY BC I'M ON DESKTOP AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REPLY ON DESKTOP (is that even an option??) but i agree!!! what are you thoughts, feel free to Discuss i will defend you from Bad

so the discussion here will be on people who dig stuff up from the past to use to shit on other people if that makes sense?? ill just be sharing my opinion and probably what caused me to share in the first place,,

first of all if anyone other than falen reads this id like to say that im all for discussing opinions so if you have one that differs from mine please do share as well! and if you think my opinion is wrong/incorrect let me know too!! id love to hear what others think honestly

next!! onto the actual topic of bringing up the past,, i understand that if whatever was done is relevant and if they havent apologised then it’d make sense to include it when “calling out” to add to the sources of whatever behaviour but if the person (whos being targeted) has shown visible remorse/changes/understanding then i feel like there’s no need to bring it up again? there’s also the thing where people don’t check the dates of sources so if let’s say a tweet was brought up and it was from 2015 people don’t bother to check and immediately assume that whatever said is true in present times 

in the event that whoever’s opinion hasn’t changed and they’re still quite clearly bad then bringing up the past is fine since, it helps to indicate how theyve been consistently racist, homophobic, etc. whatever the topic is then thats alright of course

however, in my opinion id rather if shit from the past wasnt brought up if the person has apologized for it,, i know it still doesnt change the fact that they used to be like such but at least theyve learnt from their mistake so theres no need to call them out for that?? if what youre calling them out for is e.g. racism then use something thats from the present and something thats accurate ensure that what youre using cannot be taken out of context. its always better to check multiple sources and see what others say first before jumping to conclusions - unless the cold hard truth is stated there then yeah. theyre problematic and are doing shit things. 

idk if this is a relevant example but you know. im sure because of the way we’re brought up, we were all homop/hobic at one point of our lives (usually when we were younger) thats because of how in media all we see are het relationships,, because everyone we know is in a straight relationship and being gay was “not normal” thats what everyone thought. its what i thought. if you dug shit up from me from the past youd probably be able to see me making fun of people who’re gay and yeah i admit i was probably against the idea of dating someone of the same gender because of the way everyone would put it 

but thats because of the environment i was put in, as soon as i started using tumblr it was evident that being gay was not wrong and that it was okay to be bisexual, asexual, whatever it is! so idk what i want to say i went off tangent its just that its better to fact check before anything else because,, throwing false information wont do anyone good. 

despite saying this i know that itll hurt seeing your faves do something you dont stan for,, and even if they have apologized for it itll really suck to see such behaviour coming from someone you love - feelings of anger/sadness are normal in such cases as long as you know that what theyre doing is wrong and want to educate them,, people who blindly defend their faves arent helping anyone especially not themselves,, thats what i think anyway!! 

i know its hard to accept when your fave does something wrong but i chose to see the good, and even if its been a few months, i wont forgive my fave for doing whatever wrong thing theyve done and thats fine! you dont have to force yourself to unstan because theyve done something problematic!! likewise, you dont have to force yourself to keep stanning because if they make you feel worse than happy then theres no point sticking around!! do whatever you think is best for yourself.